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Sorry I haven't been able to keep up with the site. My son is already having challenges at the new school. Everyday since last Friday has ended in a meltdown and a call for me to come pick him up.

Also, some time in the evening last Friday (Halloween) I got a notice on my door stating that my rent is being raised by nearly $400! Starting in January my rent goes from $862 to $1,255 a month. It is insane. For one thing I live in an apartment, you can rent a house for that. Second, apparently the intent is to get those of us with Section 8 Housing Vouchers out. I spoke to my neighbor, she does not receive section 8 assistance, her sister who lives in the apartment just below her does. She went to speak to management when her sister got the notice. She was informed that it didn't affect her because she wasn't on section 8. When she said "yes, but my sister is" the manager said "oh, well we aren't trying to charge your sister any more, we are in negotiations with the housing authority to see just how much they will pay". How sick is that??? The very simple truth is, the max that they will pay for the size of unit we have is $1200 and they want to charge $1255. Basically that makes us no longer eligible to live here. 

I've been advised to fight it. I just can't imagine fighting to stay in a place that I've been so desperate to get out of.  It just sucks that for the same amount that some people spend on a weekend out of town, I could change the lives of my children and I. 

I keep trying to organize a yard sale (now that I have someone letting me use their yard) and the weather is NOT cooperating :^( 

I'm trying to stay positive about it all. With Christmas around the corner and knowing that I can't afford to move, let alone get my kids anything they really want..it makes it tough some days. 

If anyone knows of any programs in the San Joaquin County area that will help someone that is low-income, disabled and has a special needs child move, please please let me know. Thank you. 

And the hits just keep comin'. So I went to get my smog check done today. My car failed :^( my Service Engine light is on and there are apparently 3 different things that need to be replaced. So, I  figure no big deal, I can apply for the state program that helps with repairs. So I ask about it and I am told that due to the budget crisis the Governor has issued an executive order placing the program on hold indefinitely. You must be kidding me. The guy at the smog check place said that he can't really give a quote since their shop doesn't do repairs, but I'm looking at roughly 300 just for parts ..so that doesn't include labor! I am just sick over all of this. I woke up feeling like I shouldn't get out of bed today and it seems I was right. 

That's right it is October again. This has historically been my favorite month of the year. Not only do I have my birthday on the 21st but ten days later is my favorite holiday! Though this year Halloween has just become one more thing to stress about...because of money or more appropriately a lack thereof. I've never been one to buy pre-made costumes. I put stuff together for my kids..usually thanks to great thrift store finds. It's always more fun and creative that way and the costumes look way better. Even that costs something though and this month I have less than nothing. 

This October,  I am not overly excited (though it is nice to have a break in the mind-numbing heat). I am turning 36 and all I can think is "where did the time go??" I live in an apartment that is very likely a good part of the reason I am so sick and weak nearly every day. I am way in over my head financially. I am on permanent disability, etc. This is NOT where I was supposed to be at 36! I had plans, goals, dreams...potential. Now look at me, it's a good day if I take a shower/change clothes :^(

I don't have birthdays like most people I know. I don't have parties, I don't get a bunch of presents. Most of my friends have moved on (I've learned that people get tired of waiting around for you not to be sick. I was told by a cancer research doctor that I used to chat with online that it is hard for people to be around someone that is injured or ill because it reminds them of their own mortality...I guess that makes sense, but it is still sad) 

I usually get a present from my sister and she takes me out to dinner. Oh and I usually get myself some little something from my kids and they always make me a card...which I love! I don't mind not having a typical birthday for the most part. Of course it would be nice to get presents, but I would probably just end up taking things back and using the money for stuff I have to do.  So it's not really a big deal. The last few years I've had to ask my sister if she can just give me the cash she planned to use to buy me a present to pay off some pressing bill instead. It is rather humiliating,  not exactly a time of celebration. 

Dinner is always the best part. Last year we didn't go out. Instead, we had a fondue party (her family and mine) in her kitchen *smile*. I decided that with her having a 2 and 4 yr old and my 6yr old having an ASD involving all kinds of sensory sensitivities, going to a sit down  restaurant would just be a disaster waiting to happen. I had just bought a fondue set off ebay for $15 (it was my little birthday splurge) so I asked if she wanted to do a fondue party. The kids got such a kick out of it!  I was a little sad that I had a boyfriend for the first time in 6 1/2 yrs and he didn't get me anything for my birthday (not even a card). But, the food was tasty, we had a lot of fun and all-in-all it was a pretty great birthday :^)

I am grateful for what I have, I know it may not sound like it. I know there are people that can't have kids and don't have families at all. I guess we all had ideas growing up of what our lives were going to be and this is one of the big times of year that I find myself mourning the loss of the life I once had and more importantly longing for the start of a better one. 

I wanted to write a quick blog, since I'm a tad stressed out. I know that writing down my feelings/frustrations, tends to help me feel a little better. 

I am so fed up with the payday loan cycle :^( I keep thinking that THIS is the month..I'm finally going to be done with this mess....and then...no. Something comes up and I don't mean a little something. It is usually my car. Blown tires, blown headgasket, cracked windshield (current), service engine..I don't even know what is wrong..but it will cost me a minimum of $65 just to find out! (current), cooling system, something going on with the steering it squeals and makes some weird noise when I turn (current)...of course everyone says to me "you just need to get a new car". A new car???  0.o If I can't afford to fix this one...how in the world am I supposed to get a new one??

This month I have smog and registration (actually due last month so tags are expired) and my inurance/AAA renewal. I originally chose AAA because the rates were literally less than 1/2 of what anyone else was quoting (of course you have to be a member..but even with that fee..it was still cheaper!) but now I am so grateful that I chose them simply for what it has saved me in towing! 

As I stated in my profile, I have to have my car...I have so many doctors/therapy/assessment, etc. appointments between my kids and I. Not to mention getting my daughter to and from school. Soon I will be needing to get my son to/from school as well. If they can ever get a proper placement lined up for him. 

I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed because I received my Social Security payment on Friday and with rent and paying back cash advances I am already zapped. Now I have to cancel(postpone) my daughter's appointment with the pediatric spine specialist at UCSF. We were supposed to be heading up to San Francisco for her appointment this Wednesday and with expired tags and a cracked windshield (the crack is nearly all the way across and I've been told if I get pulled over again I will get a ticket that requires me to fix it within 2 days) I just can't chance it...even if I could afford the gas. 

It just feels like I am drowning close enough to the surface that I can see the light glimmering through.. Although, I don't even know what life would be like if I could get my head above the water...but it would sure be nice to have the option. 

Thank you *smile*. My daughter actually goes to a charter school that is a form of homeschooling. They have different programs but all of the kids have a minimum of one day a week homeschool (Friday) where they basically are given assignments to complete for the day. They don't have the same resources, since it is a much smaller school. They don't even have a cafeteria. Basically the school sells hotpockets and chicken nuggets and there is a taco truck that sits out in front of the school. As I said before, it is worth it though, because the quality of education she is receiving is far superior to anything she would get in our home district. I know that they have to hold a lot of fundraisers just for the kids to take the field trips and have some of the programs that they do.

You are correct though, in the bigger districts/public schools they do have more help. Like project school bell where they take the children of low income families and buy them a couple of school uniforms. (since they are required to wear uniform) Some also have care packages at Thanksgiving and such. The school can be a good resource for some. 

Thank you for your message. Sorry, I tried to sit down and write an intro yesterday. I got a few paragraphs in (I've never been good at  writing quick summaries) and had to go do something in the living room, I came back and my son was playing Scooby Doo...my intro...gone :^(

I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate the site and asking for help is not something I've ever really been good at doing. 

I'm working on it though. 

I don't have the first clue how to do this, so I am just going to put some basic details for now.

Hello my name is Niki. I am a single mom and am on disability. My daughter is a bright beautiful 14 yr old, she has a big heart and a very strong will. Later in life that will serve her well, now it mainly creates havoc in our home. My son is 7 yrs old. He is adorable, very intelligent and a total sweetheart. He has recently been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder PDD-NOS.

This has pretty much consumed all of our lives lately. There are aspects that have been ongoing for a long time. It has always been nearly impossible to keep up after him. He's always kind of done things his own way, etc. It wasn't until he started having these meltdowns caused by him just being extremely overwhelmed in the classroom, that it was suggested to me that there might be something "wrong" with him. This is not the term I would use of course, it is however the term I was hearing constantly. I will blog about that whole chaotic experience when I get a free minute (probably at  4 in the morning or so). It seems like for the last year I am doing nothing but scheduling appointments, filling out questionnaires, making phone calls, explaining PDD-NOS to people, going to various appointments (doctors, therapists, assessments, specialists, IEP's), applying for "services", etc. I feel like I need an assistant. I am exhausted.

My daughter just started high school. She is loving it, so that's a plus. I chose to enroll her in a charter school through the county, because where we live, the high schools are less than desirable. In fact every HS in our district (except one that was built after the study began) was labeled a "drop-out factory" in a well-publicized study done by Johns Hopkins University. She's been in this school district since kindergarten and I have been less than impressed. My choice was probably not the most financially sound, by many accounts. If she went to her homeschool, she would get free lunch and a bus pass. At this school, there are no buses, I have to drive her to and from school everyday (It is 17 miles from our house via the freeway) and I have to give her money to buy lunch. We are definitely feeling the gas prices and rising grocery prices! It is worth it to me though. I just hope I can find some way to keep up on everything. This school could make a huge difference in her future. The very first day, she came home and told me something, I never thought I would have to hear "Mom, this school is really cool, I actually feel safe there". Safe? Is this what you should be worried about at 14?? In the city we live in, it is. In addition to an obvious lack of safety, she has been taught very little during her time in the home district, I am actually sickened at the basic things that she does not know. It seems that school has literally become a place we send our kids to learn one thing and learn it well, how to pass state tests. It is sickening. This is not based solely on my daughter's reports, the teachers have told me themselves. (I'm feeling another future blog here) Things have been rough for her. Her dad is a total dead-beat. He paid nothing the first ten years of her life, then once he finally started paying child support  the disaster really began (I'll blog about that too..I promise). She has a very difficult time with her brother and his diagnosis, we are working on that. She is resentful of the extra time, care and attention he requires. She is resentful that I am sick and tired all the time and she is resentful that we don't have the money for her to go do things with her friends, or to take vacations, or buy the clothes/shoes/etc that she wants, unless we find them at the thrift store. She's a smart girl, she understands but she doesn't like it. 

I have been having a number of health problems. My being so sick and tired all of the time makes it very difficult to get much done. I basically practice DBT skills as much as possible, but I will be the first to admit, it doesn't come naturally. In addition to my original disabling condition "medication resistant ultra-rapid cycling bipolar disorder", I've been diagnosed with narcolepsy. For years I was dealing with people thinking I was lazy or out partying all night (I was not). I kept telling them, I am just tired...exhausted...all the time, no matter what I do and I don't know why. The doctor I had at the time was sure it was a side effect of my medications, so he started playing musical meds. All to no avail. Finally, I got a new doctor (I had county at the time, so you are assigned a doctor). He went over my file, asked me a number of questions, etc. finally, he looks at me and says "have you ever been tested for narcolepsy?" He was confident that was why I was so tired. I had a sleep study done at an independent sleep lab and not only did I have narcolepsy, my Multiple Sleep Latency Test showed that I go into REM sleep in approximately 7 minutes (to put this into perspective the average onset of REM sleep is about 90 minutes after you fall asleep). After years of medicine-go-round, I am now on the bare minimum. I take a mood stabilizer, a medication that treats both my narcolepsy and ADD together and a medication to help me sleep. The thing about narcolepsy is the flipside seems to be insomnia, basically your sleep is all out of whack. Oh, and I take Imitrex for migraines. That's all I was going to be taking, until about 2 weeks ago. Enter the new symptoms, I was having these horrible headaches that were diagnosed as migraines. Then new symptoms started. I have what are called "stars and floaters" they are basically a visual disturbance caused by what I was told are occular migraines. A few weeks later, I started having stroke symptoms (sharp pain in my shoulder, shooting down to my hand, numbness in my hand, slurring my speech, unable to walk, etc) The doctor I saw thought that I must be having TIA's "mini-strokes". It was later decided that I am having some sort of complex migraines that are a combination of migraine with aura, occular migraine and basilar migraine. The neurologist said to me "we don't really know a lot about migraines at this point, but this medication has worked for some people that have these symptoms" he then prescribed me propranolol. He explained to me that it might lower my blood pressure. (I guess it "might" since it is primarily prescribed for hypertension). This should be interesting since my blood pressure is low enough that it is mentioned every time someone takes it. (I saw an ENT last week and the first thing he said when he walked in the room, "Hi, wow, your blood pressure is low") I did tell the neuro, he still thinks I should try it, saying I will know pretty quickly if it is going to effect me in that way because I will probably get fatigued or maybe pass out. ~~~~I'll write more here later.~~~~

I found this site one night while I was sitting at the computer, trying to stave off a major depression (at my therapists recommendation). I guess I am having a hard time admitting it, but I've gotten so far behind on my bills. I try to figure out how, but it is just that much more exhausting. I know that I've been slowly whittling away any chance of getting caught up by getting caught in a vicious cash advance cycle. There have been other contributing factors. I've decided that how it happened is not what is important at this point. Getting myself out of this hole, so that I can focus on what is important; my health and my children and their needs is. Ultimately, I need to find us a new place to live (I'll be having to blog  for a year to catch you guys up) and something is going wrong on my car every month now, so I will have to be figuring out a way to replace her :^( However, right now, I don't know how I am going to get through this month. I've officially reached the point that I can't even count on cash advances to fix this mess.

My son has another appointment at Oakland Children's Hospital with the Neurologist next week and we are awaiting a call from the pediatrician regarding an appointment at UCSF for my daughter. She was seen by a pediatric spine specialist two years ago, because she has scoliosis (the school nurse believed it could be due to the weight of her backpack...the kids are carrying backpacks that are way too heavy during their formative years and it is actually warping their spines) At that time, the doctor said it was pronounced but didn't think it would get any worse, since she had already hit puberty. He was wrong, it has gotten worse and now she's being referred back. I drive a black car with a broken AC, during these summer days it is like driving in an oven, I can take it ...it's not easy...but I can. My son however has major sensory integration issues, he whines and complains and/or falls asleep any time we are in the car (I was quoted $200+ to fix that, needless to say with everything else, AC got put way down the list) I've been pulled over twice because I have a crack that spans my entire windshield, I was informed that I will no longer get warnings and that fix it tickets for windshields only give you 2 days to get the repair. Just after I found out it would cost way more than I could afford for a new windshield, I went out to run one of my many errands and guess what? my check engine light came on! I just had to have part of the cooling system repaired a couple of months ago (a big contributing factor to the cash advance cycle). The car squeals when I turn left or right, so I already knew I needed to have that checked out..but when? how? Oh and this month...my registration is due..I have no way to pay it and my insurance renewal is next month. I have to have my car, otherwise I can't get my son to all of his appointments, or my daughter to her school and heaven forbid I don't have a way to get over and pay all of my bills. I know..walk. I have ...many times, but I am still recovering from ankle surgery. I broke my fibula 10/06, then had to have ligament reconstruction surgery 12/07. It is better, but I still haven't regained all of my muscle strength (though both calves are starting to look closer to the same size) Yesterday, I got a 48 hour notice from PG&E (I applied for HEAP over a month ago, but they told me friday that they are just now going through applications for June) I had planned to have a yard sale at a friend's house to try and clear out my storage unit, solving a a couple of issues 1)I get rid of a lot of stuff that we no longer need while making money to pay bills ..the original plan was to have the sale to raise money to move..now that has to take a back seat to more immediate bills 2) I don't have to pay the extra $100 a month that I am paying for storage. Well, I learned that she had to postpone the sale until next month and that just sent everything kind of spiraling down. The yard sale was my last ditch effort to keep things afloat. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I never get a break. My son is finally going to start school again in October (yet another blog), he'll be attending 2 hours a day. For right now, it is me, doing everything, all of the time.

The most frustrating part is it seems there is nothing I can do to "boost" my income when needed. I mean I can't even buy a $1 lottery ticket in hopes of winning a couple thousand dollars to get everything caught up...because if I did, it would be counted as income for the coming months. The government agencies don't say "oh, you have debt? ok, we'll let you use that money to cover your debt and then you can start fresh next month". lol. Wouldn't that be nice?? Even if I had someone to ask for help, I couldn't because if someone pays any of your bills or loans you money or whatever, you are required to report it. It just feels like a lose lose situation. Back before I went on disability, when I was working full time, going to school, raising my daughter...when things were getting to be too much, I couldn't afford to go to the doctor, my insurance cost too much, I knew I was sick, but just kept trying to do it alone. I had to quit school and then I was missing so much work that I couldn't keep up on my rent..let alone other bills. Finally,  I tried getting help. I called every agency I could think of and then some. They all basically told me the same thing, if I were on drugs, homeless, unemployed etc. there would be services available to me. Since I was none of those, there was nothing they could do. I remember saying to this woman, "so basically there are no programs to help keep someone from losing everything?" She said, "no, but once you are in that position, call us back" Wow! How's that for encouraging.

It is true though. I WAS there within a few months of that very conversation. It took a while and things got pretty bad. But, once I was approved for Social Security, I became eligible for Medicare, a Section 8 housing voucher, free school lunch for my kids, Lifeline, etc. I am well aware of the services out there. I am not however aware that there is anything that helps when you get in over your head and you are already receiving services. I guess more than anything it helps to have people believing in you and more importantly helping you remember to believe in yourself.

Some days I am able to keep perspective, I can see what needs to be done and what I need to do. Other days, like today, it all seems so impossible..it is as if no matter what I do..it will be no more than a temporary fix. I'm trying to stay positive about it all, so I guess I will just have to see how tomorrow looks *smile*.